Monday, December 15, 2014

Motherhood: Some think I'm crazy

This post is going to be an honest one.  Some of you may think I am off my rocker, others may think I am absolutely correct, and some of you might feel for me.  Whatever you think or whatever you feel that is fine.  I know that there are some people who will understand where I am coming from and this is for those of you who love me enough to accept my path and will walk through it with me even with all the frustrations, happy tears, sad tears, all the waiting periods and all ups and downs. 

 There are ladies out there who know that they don't want children.  There are many excuses why they don't want children.  Some don't want children because they don't want their bodies to be stretched out, tore up, swollen, and sore.   Some don't want children because they think having kids means life stops and changes so much and they just can't handle the thought of that.  Some just know they won't have the patience or attitude to have little ones.  I am sure there are many more but these are the most common I hear. 
To that I say, I may never be skinny again, heck I may never be back at my pre-pregnancy weight, but that is OK for me.  My husband and daughter still love me unconditionally.  I might have crazy stretch marks, but those are just stretch marks made from love!  It just means my body can handle anything that is thrown at it because let's face it.  Any woman who has carried a child has put their body through war! 
Now moving on, my life never stopped after I had my baby girl!  In fact it got that much better.  Not only do I love her like crazy, but I have experienced things I NEVER would have without her.  Some moms like to keep their child on a schedule and that is wonderful, however I don't.  This way we don't have to work life around nap time, nap time works around us.  Obviously, like a few days ago I knew that before I did anything else I had to get cranky girl down for a nap, but it doesn't stop my life, it only shifts my order of doing things.  We hike, we go out to eat, we go to sporting events, we go on random weekend vacations to random places (while in Korea, you never know if you will get a bed or the floor).  Life keeps on moving and now it is more fun with little feet.  Plus date night means so much more, because it doesn't happen as often. 
As for the frustration and patience.... remember I said this is an honest post... NO ONE HAS THEM!  Not all the time anyway.  Just yesterday I found myself snapping and going crazy because my Princess turned into a crazy, crying, cranky, needy, hitting and kicking the floor DRAMA QUEEN!  Oh and this wasn't just a little thing, this went on for hours off and on all day!  Yes I lost my cool.  But then she brought me over a book sat on my lap and said, "mommy read please." and half way through the book my heart was melting with more love and patience then I had all day!  Being a mom is rough I get that, but it better be a really good excuse for you to not want such amazing blessings in your life. 

With all of that being said, I am back on the fertility journey.  Most of you, if not all of you, know that my first child was a fertility baby.  Hubby and I went through a wonderful fertility doctor and after lots of tests, drugs, and shots, I became pregnant with my little princess!  Today, right after I finish this blog, I will be starting medication yet again!  Prenatal vitamins, provara and in a few days Chlomid.  Some of you may be shocked right now that I am so openly announcing this.  However, I have been down this road before so I know I need my family and friends as a support group even if we aren't in the same country.  I have gone this route before and nothing happened so we proceeded to an off post fertility doctor who through the IUI was successful!  Going in for procedures are more pills, injections, tests and in the end a lot more money.  So we are going to start off with just the 3 medications for now.  If this doesn't happen then Dr. Ma would like to continue trying this way for 3 months.  If those 3 months are up and still nothing then we will be looking at going back to the Korean hospital.  Which in all honesty I loved!  This will be my 4th time going through all this, so friends and family I ask for prayers that we won't have to go further than our first round of meds!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Tres Dias.... without saying too much

So I sit here and re write this because, something happened and I deleted the last one.  Some might be thinking, why didn't you save it, but I assure you I did.  When I went to edit a few things that is when I hit something on the keyboard and it deleted everything.  So I begin again.....
Some of you know that I last weekend I went on a ladies retreat called Tres Dias.  They have weekends for the men as well, which I will now be sending the hubs on when that arises.  As the days got closer and closer to the Thursday, the day to leave, the thought of leaving my daughter behind became frightening to me.  I have left her with the sitter before but even then I still was able to receive pictures and updates via my phone.  Well that and I have never left her for 3 whole days.  Anyway, I found myself coming up with more and more ways to get out of it.
Audrey will never go to sleep for daddy...
What if something happens, even though there is an emergency number to tell me it will take me forever to get home...
Audrey is getting the sniffles, I better stay home...
I will get too far behind in school...
There was even a car accident, well a fender bender, at an intersection RIGHT behind me and I remember thinking, "If only that was my car they bumped" (Audrey was not in the car), "It would slow me down and possibly make me miss going."
No such luck.  I have 2 very important people in my life who pushed and pushed for me to go.  They pushed so hard that I showed up at the church a few minutes earlier than needed.  Going into this thing I just kept thinking, "If we don't get on the bus soon and out of here, I am turning back."  The clock kept ticking and soon we were on the bus and well off to our destination.
 Thank goodness it wasn't called Uno Dias, because my first 24 hours was not what I thought it would be.  I was missing Auder-Pop terribly and I just really wanted to see her face.  I was ready to go home.  Then slowly as Friday progressed I started feeling a little better as time moved on.  Once Saturday came, I was a changed girl!  Happy and peppy and feeling joyful!  Then time was moving too quickly and the day was slipping by.  I was so blessed, I grew in my faith, I learned a lot, I talked with so many wonderful and beautiful ladies, it was amazing!  I am so happy those two people pushed me to go!  I had such an amazing time that I am going back to the next one as a volunteer.  I want to relive that weekend but I want to do it from the other side of things. 
So many people, including myself, get turned off by the secrecy of what happens on this weekend.  Really there are no secrets, but you wouldn't want me to tell you to much.  I was very annoyed to go into the weekend not knowing anything, but I came out of it so glad that no one told me anything that would go on and I got to experience every moment without anticipation!  If you want to be blessed, if you want to learn, grew closer to Christ, form new friendships, get away from the worldly ways, laugh, dance, cry, be there for others, and all around have an amazing time.  Then you need to become part of the Tres Dias family!  Notice I keep using the word amazing..... well to be honest, its the most amazing word I have for the weekend.... words can't describe what an amazing time I had :)
Last but not least, I want to thank all of you who had such kind and loving words for me throughout the weekend and the ones who prayed for the weekend.  They mean the world to me and I will treasure them always!  You know who you are!
Love and Blessings!