Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Emotional Day!

So I was not even going to blog tonight, it has been a rough evening and I just wanted to go to bed but my brain is super charged still so here it goes. Hopefully this will be short and to the point!

To all of the military families I am not taking anything away from you but we all have a right to cry about the ways of our lives no matter how big or how small the issue is.  Also I am not looking for sympathy in anyway I just want to cry about it!

Collin left today and although it is a short 3-4 weeks and he is still in Country it really stinks.  I am going to be blunt for a moment (and Collin if your actually reading this one I am sorry you will have to forgive me.  It is easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission sometimes :)) I am sure my husband won't mind.  We recently had a blow out. (by recent I mean within the month)  I am talking I had to leave the house to cool down blow out.  Embarrassed because anyone within the 32 stories of our apartment complex probably could hear me!  Yes me, I have a temper and I get loud!  I also feel like my daughter could never forgive me for the anger I had stored up in me and let explode and feel like the worlds worst mother ever.... ok enough about my stupidity.  However this stinks because we of course are doing much better now and of course we still and always will love each other more than anything.  All relationships have these moments.  You just get so used to living with a husband or child that you take them for granted and now that they are gone your world is turned upside down.
Again yes this is only for like a month but it still stinks!  I have always said to my friends that no matter what the length of time is, when your soldier is gone, life decides to get insane.  Well that is what is going on today, or had gone on today.

I woke up knowing it was the first day of actual class for CCU.  Excited but also knew that it wouldn't really start until my day was half over due to the time change.  I still have not gotten my books or the letter from the Army saying I can use my husbands benefits.  School would get really expensive if my books don't come in by weeks end and I had to get online duplicates just to get through, but if the Army doesn't get back to us by weeks end I have no proof of the benefits and I either have to drop the class until the next session or start making tuition payments.  That of course has not had me stress free exactly.

Most of you know that the one thing I have been looking forward to the most since mid January was getting Audrey in swim lessons.  Well that was a bust.  Collin went to enroll her today and there was no mention of upfront fees in the emails that were sent out.  However once he enrolled her they asked for $80.00 upfront.  Which normally wouldn't be an issue but with the finance issue through the military and being shorted 5K $80.00 is now an issue. So congrats to whoever was the 11th person to register was because there is now an open position and you are no longer on the wait list.  I am totally heart broken about this but Collin assured me he WILL get her to swim this year or at least get her to want to be in the water!

Today was also the day that I left Audrey with a babysitter.  What an incredible step for me!  I missed that little girl more than I could have ever imagined.  I was gone for 4 hours exactly but it felt like at least 9.  I couldn't stop hugging on her when I got home.  When I did arrive at the house though I found her snuggled up with the babysitter watching the famous Bubble Guppies!  It was sad to see her so content and being all snugly with someone else but on the other hand as long as she is happy so am I.  I also found she had a good lunch and a pretty picture waiting for me on the kitchen table.  It was amazing to me how much I missed her though.  Collin watches her all the time when I do my 3-4 hours of USO volunteer work but to have her in someones care that wasn't family or a friend I have known for a long time really hit me hard.

Another victory of the day was that I actually drove the car on to post and ACCIDENT FREE!!!!!!  There are so many times I close my eyes or do the ohhhh or the ughh or the ahhhhhhhh while Collin is driving because I am so afraid of the stupidity that are on the roads that I didn't think I would have the courage to drive myself.  The downside to it all, I forgot that our 97 gangster chairman didn't have automatic lights and during my 3 hours of volunteering today my battery drained.  So I had to take a cab back to my home!  Upside, I made it an exact 4 hour day so I didn't have to pay the sitter extra!

Once home I cuddled and played with Audrey we ate dinner and played some more.  I made her a chain for daddy and I found that keeping a child entertained is not difficult when you give them a piece of tape!  I didn't think she was ever going to figure out how to get it off her :)
See the chain for daddy is a bunch of paper links and everyday we will take a link off and write something she did that day on it.  Then we will link the chain back together so when daddy is home he has it so he doesn't feel like he missed so much.  He can read all about her exciting life!

Bed time became the challenge.  She was in deep sleeps and I would move her to the bedroom and as soon as she came off me she was wide awake!  She started this at 8pm and she didn't go to sleep until close to midnight!  She kept popping her head up, looking at Collins side of the bed going......... "Daddy?" I think in her mind there was no way she had to go to sleep if daddy was still awake and doing stuff.  I kept saying Daddy is at work baby and after a couple times of telling her that I got the famous "Nooooooooooooo" followed by "Da Da Da Da" I love my kiddo, she knows how to melt your heart!
So I finally got her down, I finished up some school reading and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher.  I will aim for waking up in about 5 hours to get in a work out and finish picking up some of the house and a couple loads of laundry before my goofy girl pops her head back up!  Although I am hoping she sleeps in past 8 since she was up so late!

Today was full of ups and downs but I am glad it is only for about a month and then Collin can fix the crazy again!  And I know that if there was any serious, serious emergency Collin could be home in a day instead of in a month or longer.

A whole lot of happiness and love right there :) 

Now forgive me as I am not even going to proof read this.  I am going to hope it is decent and you are able to understand it and I am going to run for bed as my brain has suddenly seemed to slow down!
God Bless all the spouses and children going through a deployment right now or any other military separation!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Topic on leaving the Church!.

Well I can't sleep but what else is new.  I either fall asleep at the beginning of my night while putting Audrey down and then wake up and can't go back to sleep or I am awake until the wee hours of the morning and then catch the last 2-4 hours before Audrey wakes up.  Collin laughed the other day when I said, "I don't know why I am so tired today, I actually got 5 maybe 6 hours of sleep last night!"  That is a lot for me these days.  But it has been this way since late December early January so I have gotten used to it.  I guess I just have a lot going on in my head, in my life.

Last night at the gym I didn't even really realize what music was booming through my headphones because I was distracted about several different things.  One is the idea about adopting here in Korea.  A lot of people have issues with that.  A lot of Americans ask why would you adopt outside of the US when we have so many needy children right here who are desperate for good loving homes.  My answer to that used to be a couple things.  One was and still is my heart.  Since I was originally told I would never have kids I have always thought about adopting internationally.  It wasn't one thing that triggered this and I can't explain it but it was always there.  The second was because it cost less and you don't have to pay so much all at once.  Well After getting home from the gym I realized my first answer is really the only one that stands.  Adoption in S. Korea is just about the same price now for a US resident as it is in the states.  In fact the S. Korean Government is pulling back on the number of children who are allowed to get adopted through the US.  It used to be that Americans adopted around 1100-1700 almost yearly and in the recent years those numbers have been cut in half due to the government pulling back.  It used to be harder to adopt in the US from what I learned, now it seems harder in Korea for the normal US Citizen.  Although with us currently living here we are cutting cost a great deal by not having to travel here and stay for periods of time, so I guess for our family it still might be cheaper.  Anyway that is a debate for another time.
Another distraction is caused by a blog I stumbled a crossed.  I guess I just don't understand this gentleman's point of view.  So I am asking whoever would like to comment please do, comment on here or send me an email either way I would love to hear what others think.

The title of this particular blog was 5 Really Bad Reasons To Leave Your Church.  The authors first bad reason was "I am not being fed"  I disagree 100% with this.  I believe being spiritually fed is very important in the Church. Keep in mind the author is a pastor and I understand we are all entitled to our beliefs but here are my arguing points.  Right off the bat he says, (and I will paraphrase here) that yes Pastors have an responsibility to care for the spirituality of the Church but that can easily be overlooked because, Pastors are so busy trying to manage staff, meet needs, put out fires and develop leaders, with this they still have to manage seeing the vision of the church.
He also goes on to say that many of us have access to a smart phone, home computer, or even a library card so we can access and gain our spiritual needs through different outlets of the media if not within in the Church.
I agree that we do have these outlets and we can read The Bible through many of these outlets, (including the regular turn page, in hand Bible that seems to be fading away) listen to pastors online, and even have online Bible studies all at the palm of your hand.  I also believe that the Church is for spiritual feeding.  I have attended Churches in the past where I asked myself why I was getting up early in the AM to go to church when I could have something just as meaningful if not more by spending time in prayer on my own, listening to worship music on my own, listening to a different church service online on my own.  I do think though that the things I just mentioned are our strengthening tools, if you will.  Let me put it in my way of thinking as I am about to go back to school.  The professor can teach a student the best they know how, some are better teachers for different learning styles. Just as one might teach in an oral manner and another might teach in a more visual manner.  Just like one Pastor may read scripture straight from the book and that is his teaching and another might read but also go on with examples.  A student goes to a classroom with the knowledge of the text book but maybe not fully understanding how it all works together.  The professor is there to further explain go in deeper and help you understand and show you a new meaning then just the black and white words in your book.  Without gathering together with others reading the same thing and discussing it or hearing the professor speak in depth you just may not get it.  
And the blog goes on to say ....."To leave a church because you’re not getting "enough" is a cop out. Your primary call in the church is to contribute, not just to consume"  Ok, here is where I started to scratch my head.  Every church has needs.  They need leaders, they need the children of God to show his Grace and Love through volunteering with the children's church, to be a greeter, to be an usher, to work on the praise team. But if I am not being fed I believe my focus is the teaching, learning how it all fits together.  I believe our primary call is to listen to the word to grow and be challenged so that we can then go out and teach the good Word.  He also goes on to say (and I am paraphrasing again) that we shouldn't need spoon fed our whole lives and soon we need to be able to feed ourselves.......we are not just to be disciples but to make disciples.  Again I get what he is saying here.  God gave a gift to the appointed men and woman of the Church.  Pastors have gone to through some sort of schooling so that they could grow and teach us more than what most of us can gather on our own.  That is why they are the ones doing the teaching.  God has trained them up to feed his people.  If I am in a Church and not being fed how deep can my spiritual walk go.  Another example... 2 weeks ago the Pastor of my current church taught on the Prodigal Son.  Now I have heard this story time and time again.  My first thought was no not this again.  But through the teaching I realized that God was teaching me something new.  Our pastor went on describing about how the father continued to search for his son and how the "good" son couldn't understand why he could miss the "bad"son so much.  When the Prodigal son returned the father was so happy and celebrated his lost child's homecoming. But what I never saw from this story was how the son who stayed home reacted.  He was at home doing right by his father on earth but he was not captured by the Grace and Blessings of the Almighty Father and angered that his brother could receive so much love from his father after leaving home.  I never saw that side of the story and yes I know that good acts don't get us into Heaven, but just when I thought I was "filled up" on this story God revealed a new outlook through the Pastor and I was continually fed. 
I can help out in the Church as much as I can, I can go on trips with the church to feed the hungry, I can do every good deed there is to do within the church but if I am not being fed then I feel I am  risking my spiritual walk to go stale. 

His 4th point and I promise to make this one shorter was "My Needs Aren't Being Met"  I think this goes along with #1 in saying that I have a great need to be fed.  Some people have the need for that deep spiritual prayer, or that extra push for worship, or on a much smaller scale what about a need for nursery or children's Church?  If your child will not sit through an entire service then it becomes very distracting to you to listen to what is being taught.  Or if someone else has a small child that child can easily distract the rest of the Church.  One of my needs for Church is explanation.  I need the message to be taught to me, not just read.  I can go home and re read it and really think on it but I need someone to go into deeper depths of the scripture, which I know, leads back to being fed.  Another one of mine is a nursery.  Most Churches here in Korea have a cry room or a room where the kids can go have a "party".  I have noticed this in a few different Churches out in the economy of Korea and have heard many others say that yes their Church is the same way.  Most cry rooms are to take your child who can't sit through church and stay with them.  I do not need that on Sundays.  My need is to be able to drop my child off with similar aged children so that I don't have to worry about her.  I don't have to worry about her being trampled on because the cry room is available for older kids who can run and push over a tower of blocks and might not notice my daughters little fingers.  This is a need for me.  I know because I have experienced the different options.

My family has left different Churches because our need wasn't being met and that need reflected on us being fed and I believe that being fed in the Church is a #1 priority.  We have never left a church because we don't like the people, or because we don't agree on a teaching every once in awhile or because it is too big or too small.  We left because we as Christians are all wired different and we all have different reasons to seek out a new path to become the Disciples of God!  After all we need to be disciplined disciples if we are going to go out and help other grow to become disciplined in God's word!
Maybe I am totally off base with all this. But this blog really bothered me. And yes maybe I am justs over sensitive, or so some have said ;) Some of you probably have read this blog most probably not, I am not trying to cause debate or upset anyone I am more or less asking for opinions.  I thought I was on the same track as most Christians but after seeing comments attached to this blog I am realizing that maybe I just have a different way of thinking.  My way of thinking though has grown me closer and closer to God and I think I will keep it that way!

my experiences mentioned are not about any one Church it is experiences from different Churches from different parts of the US and S. Korea.   

On that note have a terrific week :)
To leave a church because you’re not getting "enough" is a cop out. Your primary call in the church is to contribute, not just to consume
trying to manage staff, build systems, meet needs, put out fires and develop leaders, all while overseeing the overall vision and direction of the church.
trying to manage staff, build systems, meet needs, put out fires and develop leaders, all while overseeing the overall vision and direction of the church.
trying to manage staff, build systems, meet needs, put out fires and develop leaders, all while overseeing the overall vision and direction of the church.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


Well hello to all my friends and family!

It's been a couple weeks and I have been busy!  Last week so many things started to happen.  I started working as a volunteer in the program area of the local USO here.  I want to spend more time there to learn more faster than what I am but it is Volunteer and I am not going to let myself get wrapped up in it like I would a paying job.  I started at the USO because I need socialization.  I love my husband and I love Audrey but sometimes I just need to get out by myself.  It seems fun so far and I am already working on my first program to help out a woman who is looking to start up a small Art class for military children.  Don't worry I will not be in charge of teaching the Art.... I can hear some of you who know me well giggling from here!

Last week I also decided that it was time to go back to school. As I look at random job postings I see that so many of them will not hire you if you don't have an associates degree and I know some jobs stop your growth if you don't have your bachelors.  When I was working for Guardsmark I couldn't grow anymore with the company if I wanted too because of the degree.  So I have set out to get my degree in Business/business management!  The plan is for me NOT to have to go back to work but.... Sometimes our plans don't always work out the way we want them to.  So it's time to be prepared and more education never hurts.  I am currently looking into Colorado Christian, however so far I am not making any connections for financial aid.  If you live the military life you are probably asking why not just use the husbands GI Bill.  Collin wants to finish his Bachelors degree and I really don't want to take that Bill away from him if he can't finish while he is still in the Army.  If I take the bill and he doesn't finish his degree when he retires we now have to pay for his schooling.  Plus if I take it, I read the new rule is that he has to stay in for another 4 years once the bill is put into my name.  He is working on year 25 now and he has the opportunity to retire 2016.  So Thursday I am heading on post to see about the post supported schools.  They have some amazing military deals and spouses get tuition assistance which means if I can get through most of my schooling and we only have to pay a couple thousand to do it then that is the option I will take but if I am going to owe too much then Collin will just give me his bill and all will be well.  Either way this girl is going to get educated!

The last big event that happened last week was I applied for a part time position for a Security job here at the base.  I have spent just about half of my working life in security in one way or another.  I do not need the job but it will make life a lot easier financially.  You see, long story short, the Army had over paid us in December and we were well aware of it.  We had kept a couple thousand in savings for when they wanted to take the money back out of Collins pay.  Well he saw his pay check for this month and the Army left us with just enough money to pay our rent and utilities here in Korea.  Not a dime for food or gas or any other bills we might have.  Apparently the Army had been paying us too much money for several months, that we did not realize and this was their way of getting it back.  Thankfully we had some savings ready for a much smaller debit and as awful as Wells Fargo is they are actually understanding.  We can skip this months mortgage and make it up for the next few months, which adds like 300.00 on to our payments until we are caught back up.  So now you can see why I had applied for a part time position doing what I know how to do best!
At first we were both very stressed and frustrated but this isn't the first rough patch of life and it won't be the last.  We will get through it! 

On a happy ending note Audrey has decided to cut tooth 3 and tooth 4!  She has been cranky this time around.  More than usual but she does have teeth under those gums :) Oh yeah and I found an occasional babysitter from our church so that took some stress off me!

Well I suppose it is time to turn in for the night.  It is going on 1 in the morning and my eyes are getting heavy!  I hope everyone has a splendid day and a great rest of the week!